I have been going through a lot of ups and downs in the past few months. It is as if I am surrounded by anxiousness, hopelessness, anger and frustration. There was so much of an emotional upheaval in the past few months that I insanely looked for ways to come out of it.
I wanted ‘something’ badly..I had convinced myself that if I get ‘this one’, I will not ask God for anything else. I prayed to God, prayed sincerely! Not just the Hindu ones but from all religions, for I did not care which one of them fulfilled my wish! All I cared was this ‘one’ thing..A “Law of attraction” follower that I am, I even started believing that ‘the wish’ has been granted already. I acted, thought, spoke keeping that thing in mind.
Alas, when the D day came, I found that none of these things worked. The prayers, The Secret, the Law of attraction. Nothing worked! I was crestfallen when I realized that all those prayers and positive thinking fundas failed miserably when put to test.. My whole belief system crashed in front of my eyes.. Prior to this, either I have never prayed that hard or whatever small prayers that I did bore results..This time it was different..I wanted this to work.. But it din’t!
Initially I was angry, not because I did not get what I wanted..I was angry because I have spent so much of my time and energy reading all these books about positive thinking, LoA etc etc. I have been going to bhajans and Upanyasams (Kathas) ever since I started understanding what it meant. Never did I question if God ever existed? I believed he was up there, fulfilling everyone’s wants and wishes. So why was he not there to listen my prayers? Did he/she sleep off or forget what I had asked for? Oh, c’mon it was just one thing afterall!
I picked up bits and pieces of my broken beliefs and decided to move on. S believes that there is a time for everything and unless that time comes nothing can happen. He consoled me saying what I want will definitely happen but I should not question ‘When’? It was easy for him to say that! But was it good enough to convince me?
Its like I have come to the end of the circle. My mind is so full of questions, questions whose answers my spiritual and religious mind demands!
If everything happens on its own, then why should we even pray?
If prayers can’t change the due course of things, then is it even necessary to pray?
If whatever has to happen will eventually happen then why should we even try?
If everything is pre-determined, consequence of karma then what is the role of free-will?
Is law of attraction and The Secret only a fake funda in those best selling books?
Finally, do prayers work?