Here I am 😉
I feel really bad that I show up once a month out of the blue and expect to have friends and followers in blogosphere. What upsets me more is that I have lost the same enthusiasm in writing that I had an year back ..Wait, why only writing? I feel I have lost interest in everything..
Do I need to tell you that I am here to crib!
Okay, its not that I have lost my job or fought with my husband or fell sick or some big mountain has fallen on me. It isn’t that big a deal. Somehow, I just feel sad always, depressed to be precise….Everything looks pale and try as I might nothing makes me happy.
For the past few months I have been waging a war against myself, trying fight all those negative thoughts. Working from home is like adding fuel to the fire..I do not meet friends like I used to, in my previous job..Those friends with whom I could share anything. Calling them specifically to talk about this frustration, just does not seem right.
So, I have been through and still continuing to be in a roller coaster of emotions. One day I am all happy and the very next day I am inside an emotional pit refusing to come out.. I cry, I shout and do whatever seems correct at that point..When I realize I go through a guilt trip..I feel bad that I cannot take back what I told, undo what I did! Trip to Nagpur to meet amma, appa did help a bit but even that was not enough to make a permanent change..
These days I can’t predict what make me happy or sad..Remember the last post? There have been some sudden emotional outbreaks like these in the past..
Amidst all of these, there is one thing that has been constant, my rock solid support system – S. Of all people in this world its only S , I have deceived the most! I am anthing but the person he loved in the past. I don’t even have traces of those bubbliness, confidence and smartness that I used to have back in college. I had an aura of joy around me and I used to radiate happiness..And now I am nothing like that! However, when I ask S if he still loves me like before his answer is always a YES and even more. I just can’t thank God enough for having S in my life. Anyone in his place would have ignored me or worse abandoned me! He has been so caring and understanding all though my tantrums…I have realized that I owe him that happiness that he must have dreamt of while proposing me..Owe him that beautiful life he must have imagined before asking me out..Being like this I feel I am not only ruining my life but also his.
The plan is that I write about it..Let it out of my system, as V says..Hai na V? Ofcourse, I would make those posts password protected fro all obvious reasons..Lets hope blogging about it helps!
Soooooo if you have time and energy to listen to my dastan please do drop me an email at siascribbles at gmail dot com. I will mail you back with the password..